My grandad found out through my mum. He asked me why I didn’t tell them. Cause they didn’t find out until I was four months. My grandad wasn’t really happy with it. He gave us this quote. It’s in Tongan. It’s like you have a cup of wine and once you spill it you can’t gather it back up. And he says that’s what happened with me. I’ve spilled my cup of wine and I can’t gather it back up. I felt hurt that I let him down. It was a big let down.
I felt really judged. I didn’t want to go out of the house. I practically stayed home for three months straight after I had baby. And then I had to face it when baby got baptised. First it was going to church. And that’s where I was judged a lot. My family was judged as well. My grandad’s a minister and everyone was expecting more, like, they expect high standards. It was a lot of pressure for me. It really destroyed me inside cause I know that I didn’t live up to what they expected of me.
I have a dream. That’s for me to finish school and get a good job, buy a little house or something that we can stay in. Support my dad and my grandparents if they’re still around. I want my son to do better than I did when I was younger. I want him to be in school. I don’t want him to repeat what I lived.
I just don’t want to let him down. I don’t want him to look at me one day and be like, ‘You failed. You failed me. You failed us’. I want him to be proud of me and how far I’ve gone in life.